Queen Takes King
by charlotteschaos
Summary: On the chessboard of life, never underestimate the power of an angry queen. Parody.


With as obsessed as Tom Riddle had been with Hogwarts, Harry thought it fitting that Voldemort meet his end in the Great Hall. Harry hadn't attended classes here all year in order to track down the Horcruxes necessary for what he hoped would be a _very messy end_ for one Lord Voldemort.

The wind whipped round the hall; the force of the hard magic that Harry had spent the better part of the year learning, plus the sheer force of his will clashing with Voldemort's decades of experience caused the long tables to turn over and shatter around them.

Voldemort's slittled red eyes were nearly all pupil, his flat nostrils flared as he concentrated on the spells he cast, twisting and turning to avoid spells connecting. It was an elegant dance of swirling robes, wind screaming like sirens to call them both to crash.

Never had Harry felt so full of power, shaking with rage enough to destroy and feeling the dead calm that assured him that he was _right_ and that this would _happen_. Maybe it would take them both out, but Harry was ready to die for this cause.

He flung a portion of one of the broken tables at Voldemort, who stopped it with a long, spindly hand and knocked it onto the stage where the staff once sat, toppling the podium.

"I will destroy you, boy," said Voldemort, his voice clipped by the wind.

"I'd like to see you try, old man." Harry was prepared to lay the killing blow at any moment now. He saw his advantage; Voldemort had hopped up on to a rickety piece of ex-chair. When it broke, Voldemort fell to the floor, sprawled out on his back and his wand rolled a few feet away.

"Aha!" said Harry as he closed the distance between them. "Now is the time where I show you no mercy, where I end this, end you! This is an act of mercy," he said, clearly rationalizing to himself.

But before he could swish or flick, Voldemort was up, his wand in hand in a neat bit of wandless magic. Winds were gathering around him and Harry did the only thing he could do: panic.

When harry Potter panicked, things often went a little queer. His mind reached out to Ron and Hermione, but they were down, cursed into unavailability. His mind reached out to one last person, the boy he'd saved from the Death Eaters, the one he was keeping from all harm, the one he'd been buggering on the side when he needed to release a little tension.

Suddenly, the wind picked up and there was little other than loud shrieking that echoed in the hall like a banshee released. Harry, realizing he wasn't quite dead, but instead was standing in the middle of the hall still, opened his eyes slowly until his brain sussed out just what he was looking at.

"MY GOD, WHAT AM I DOING HERE? HOW DID I GET HERE? POTTER, THIS IS SO TOTALLY YOUR FAULT, ISN'T IT?" a sudsy Draco, freshly summoned in the middle of a bath, screeched.

"Hooligans! What tomfoolery is this?" Voldemort asked, his wand pointing between Harry and Draco, not sure who to hex first.

"Erm..." Harry shifted from foot-to-foot. "This is... erm...awkard."

"Awkward? AWKWARD? Harry, awkward was when you first shoved your cock in my arse, this is... out of contro!" Draco seethed. Voldemort pointed his wand at Draco, who grabbed it from him. "Oh, I don't think so. I'm not playing hide the wand with Dark Lords."

Voldemort looked at his wand in Draco's hand and his empty claw still held up as if he was still holding his wand. He dropped his hand to his side and leered between Harry and Draco before landing his eerie gaze on Harry. "Are you... a gay, Potter?"

Harry rubbed the back of his neck and cleared his throat. "Well... I mean... I don't know..."

Draco jabbed Voldemort's wand into Harry's shoulder. "What do you mean 'I don't know'?" Draco huffed, mocking Harry's voice in falsetto. "You seemed to know well enough when you were plugging me in every hole!"

"Not that there's anything _wrong_ with that," said Voldemort, who was looking pensively like he might accept this.

"I just haven't thought about it, really. I'm not..." Harry started.

"The Boy Who Was A Closet Case," Draco snapped, folding his arms over his sudsy chest.

"Do you think it was because of your childhood?" Voldemort asked.

"Oh right, because to want to plunder my booty he'd need to have had some sort of childhood trauma? I'm hot! I'm a loving, caring individual and I have love to give!" Draco spat, pointing Voldemort's wand into his face, poking him between his red eyes. "Don't even start with me on my daddy issues. That has nothing to do with who I love!"

"It's just... that Harry Potter is... a hero..." Voldemort protested.

"Oh that is _it_!" Draco shouted. "You don't think he could be a hero who is attracted to men? You have some out-moded sort of value system that thinks manliness is weighed by verility? I'll have you know that he is all sorts of man, and a brilliant hero AND gay. It's not just about fashion and drinking cosmos! Or even blowjobs and penetration! It's about love! Something you don't understand!"

"Draco..." said Harry.

"It's about attraction! How did you know that you loved dark magic? It was just natural, wasn't it? We love what we love, we want what we want! Harry's here, he's queer, get used to it!" Draco said.

"DRACO!" Harry shouted.

"What YOU need to understand, Mr Dark Lord man, is that masculinity is defined by culture and not by nature and every man and woman embodies just what they are and need to be respected by virtue of WHO they are and not what body parts they have!" Draco ranted.

Harry grabbed Draco's shoulder and yanked him away.

"Thank God," said Voldemort until he saw Harry's wand swishing and flicking. He closed his eyes as the Killing Curse wrapped Voldemort's body in green light and his soul was ripped from his body.

As Voldemort crumpled to the ground, Draco grabbed his silk cape and wrapped it around his own wet, shivering torso. "I was getting through to him!" Draco protested.

Harry sighed and nodded as he wrapped his arm around Draco. "Yes, that was very empowered. I'm proud, Draco." _Must remember to hide the Queer Nation pamphlets and replace them with ILGA newsletters. _

Draco paused as Harry was leading him out of the Great Hall to meet up with the other Order members. "So, victory sex later?"

"Definitely."


End file.
